I used to find comfort driving my car with my iPad playing my favorite tunes...it was one of the pleasures in life for me. To be honest, I never acknowledged how often I did this with Holly; how often she was in the car with me - apparently a lot! She shared a love of music with me and looking back on it, this was one commonality we enjoyed, along with many others. We would often laugh at the musical taste of her dad and sister. Holly and I liked the same type of music, books, movies - we were quite alike.
Yesterday I jumped in the car and turned on my music, but could not find joy. Each song replayed an image and memory of Holly, which at this state of grief is still too painful.
Later in the day I was searching for a book I needed for a Young Writers' class and found myself looking through Holly's closet. I didn't find what I was looking for, instead I discovered her 8th grade agenda and flipped through the pages, eventually stopping in Dec, 2015. I read her countdown to her birthday, to Christmas. The excitement she was filled with, the hopes and dreams she had for these moments. Little did any of us know she would not even been conscience for either of these events. Little did we know she would never return to school, friends, the dreams she held.
I can't explain the pain I felt in that moment in words, other than you don't feel as if you can live, you feel the sickening helplessness, the desperation of the situation. Your mind tries to block the reality of it for a moment to prevent despair.
Bill mentioned if he were given the choice to have not known Holly, knowing that he would lose her, would he take it? Thinking of the phrase that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I thought about it and although the pain I experience now is the price of loving Holly, it is still far greater to have known her, to have loved her still.
I know I can't trust my own understanding of events today. My worldview is quite limited this side of Heaven. I am incapable of seeing God's plan in all of this heartbreak. I believe He has one though, and that I will understand it after this life. And therefore although pain is sharp, the love I feel for Holly is still stronger. The impact she continues to have on my life, my journey is great. The memories of her, although difficult now, are still filled with my pride, admiration and joy just thinking of her expressions, her kindness, her will, her tremendous heart.
I uttered to God yesterday that I can't do it. I won't make it through the pain. I know that's not true though (and so does He;) I will survive and thrive through God and by reminding myself of my faith and belief that she is with God and happy. She has what her heart has truly longed for; she has returned to God, returned home. Who am I to be sad if she is at peace? I will strive to be there too.