If we do nothing there is very little time left. Even if we partake in all the experiments man has to offer, most likely there is very little time left. It’s unimaginable where we stand, staring at death. It’s so close now. I don’t want to feel. I’m like a pot of boiling water with a rattling lid. If I think about it for a moment too long the lid slides off and the fear, debilitating sadness and tears overflow.
I’m at a different place from where I was before this journey. Pride and temporary success kept me feeling naively safe and secure. That has been stripped away. Health is fleeting and can be lost in an instant.
I’m told trials can be a blessing to change your worldview, become in union with Christ. I believe this is true for me, but I don’t understand why this is happening to my daughter, who could not be kinder, more loving, strong, empathetic, courageous, funny, or bright. I may know one day, I hope to, but I don’t today.
I imagine watching a family go through the struggles of loving and caring for a terminally ill child is like seeing a car crash at the side of the road. You don’t want to look for fear of what you’ll see, but you still glance. Where I sit today is what most fear, but what they are also fascinated by. They wonder; how does one cope? How strong is the human spirit? Does faith play a role? If I’m faced with a similar fate, can I survive?
You never know until you’re walking the same path, but I had all the same questions too. I found that I’m in awe of the human spirit; the true compassion, generosity and love of those around me. God works through us, there is no question.
As for me, I equate my path to someone walking on a moving walkway and at the end there is a furness and either side a cliff. How do you react? Do you fight like hell to change your circumstance? Do you accept your situation obediently? Do you give into fear and kick and scream? Do you go into shock and escape reality in disbelief? For me, I have all of these emotions, sometimes within a single day. I’m traveling the path, the only thing that I can do is pause, acknowledge that my daughter is still here, immense myself in the moment, engrave the memories of today within my mind. Do not think or fear what is at the end of the line. Live above my circumstance, find joy in the present. The only way this is possible is to let go of you - your dreams, plans, and worries. Free yourself of this world in a sense. Acknowledge your helplessness - release, release, release. Trust in God. Find comfort in Him. Accept His peace and strength.
As for my daughter, she must do the same. We will all walk her path too; I can only hope to do so with as much grace as she.